when ur down

Im very confuse about myself not on my sexuality. im puzzled about my plans how to start mylife to be successful. i want to change my bad habits like sleeping very late coz i ended up not enjoying my day. my life is at night facing the computer without doing any sense. i consume my time surfing the net, chatting, watching and i realized it didn't help me to grow a more productive person. i ended up to be indolent one. i tired of it i want to try another changelles in life like working in a company, earn money for myself so i could help my family. but i can't apply for a certain job i don't have the courage to face an interviewer who is very articulate. i have introverted personality but i can talk to them but i always have butterfly in my stomach and i ended up stuttering.

i want to improve myself in communication with other people. i want to change my introverted personality. i want to gain more confidence about myself. i adore those public speaker they are very great they can stand talking to a million of people and say what's on their mind. why i cant to that? perhaps practice and practice will make sense.

i also admire people who is good in writing for me they are very clever. it's very hard to write your thoughts in sensible way and it's also easy to write rubbish things. like what im doing putting my thoughts in rubbish way coz it's easy why would i suffer myself to write my thoughts in sensible way if i don't know how to become one. the only thing that i want right now is to express what's on my mind i don't care if this entry would turn out poppycock.

im being profound again and i hate it. i loathe myself why i cant to things others can do? im starting to regret again. i regret those days that i was given opportunity to study and i didn't grabbed it to the fullest. it's a lesson to me!!!!!!!!

i attended mass yesterday and thanks god because i didn't feel sleepy when i was listening to the homily. the priest was very witty and inspiring at the same time. he taught in the homily the 3 ways how to be closer with god.

1. dont' lose your faith in god no matter what
i felt guilty when he explained that. i can't explained why i felt that way.
2. don't question god- dont' ask why this problem has come to us? why Im suffering? why others not? why are u doing this to me? Lots of other question. don't ask why just pray god will help us to solve it. be thankful if you encounter problem no matter big or small it is because god given us a problem because he want us to realize that his always their to guide us.
3. share your blessings- we have to share what we have. and if share something be sure that others will benefit not only us.

nursing

i had slept the whole day yesterday and i ended up having a backache.
moving on.......

i have read that new nurses who passed the licensure exam recently are still hanging in the cliff because of many issues arising after the released of the result. one thing is why PRC released the result even if the investigation of NBI is not yet done? is it because PRC thinks that people will forget all the issue if they release the result but NO. they just cause another issue and another one.........

New nurses have the posibility to revoke there license if the NBI found out that there was a leakage thing. if this happenen many innocent nurses will get affected because of the greediness of others. all BON got fired in their jobs because of the leakage, the KARMA is moving very fast for them. they ruined the life of many not only for the board takers who had taken exam last june they also tainted the nursing profession in our country. they put our country in humiliation they didn't think that we are exporter of nurses around the world...

nothing to do i can't sleep

it's already 7:40 am but still haven't taken my nap. my eyebags getting bigger and bigger as days goes on. my dark circles around my eyes really sucks me i have to spend my money to buy concealer just to hide my blackeye. speaking of make up im running out of it. i think my foundation will last in just a month so i have to buy one. im not on to make up i just put some of it to have decent look or anything just want to hide my imperfections but still it's not perfect.

that's it for now i have to leave today without having a sleep.

i loathe myself without reason......

i want to write something new about myself but i can't express it into writtings so better to leave it inside of myself. i hate my life i can't express how i annoyed myself im frustated again.

moving on the next topic and stop hating myself.
i have plans to apply in call center in shaw im really dying for a job. I will become totally broke if coudn't get one. the time is running and my pocket is also burning my cash until now im still jobless. im getting nervous now to think i still have 2 days to prepare myself for a palpitating interview.

i dont wanna hear this to my interviewer again "let's give us ample time to evaluate your resume" what a heck? just tell me straight to my face if i passed or failed dont give me another agony. ive heard that so many times with my interviewer and i don't wanna hear that again.
if i would hear that i again i should stop myself from applying in freaking call center. Maybe it's not for me.

in my other entry i told their that i want to undergo tutorial but i didn't mention what tutorial it is. and now i already changed my mind i decided to save my money and i'll just do a self study.
i hope i can do it and understand those tiresome things.

it's already 5 am still i haven't slept yet my insomia is severely attacking me. im having a hard time to sleep early because i usually wake up at 5 Pm. i sleep the whole day and at night im fully awake im like a KUAGO. If i would have a chance to be a CSR in graveyard shift i think i wouldn't have a hard time to be in that schedule but the task i guess it's thorny.

getting envious

A drama again as usual it's not new. im getting envious to those people who writes very well and i asked myself why i can't im being frustrated again with myself. i adore all the writers around the world and i wish i could be one of them someday. i want to write a novel but it's very hard so let's change it a comics i guess but i think i would be poppycock. so study study study again on their strategy on how to write with sense.

new blogskin and anything

finally i learned to change my blogskin still im not contented with it. i have to search more about those skin on blogskin.com i hope i can search for better one. Now im downloading bookworm so i could play when im getting jaded in surfing. i also found a new traning school and it's very cheaper compared to the other one that i'd inquire first i hope that training school is still exisiting so i could save a lot of cash. i hope i will not get regrets if i enrolled in that cheap training school. i wish they would give a quality training because i will invest my savings to them.

i'm giddy about in enrolling im so tired and sick in staying at home, i expect that i would learn a lot from there. i wish i could go out today but typhoon glenda is still here to mess my plans for today. but it's okay im sure that i'll have a comfortable sleep today without electricfan and will save electricity for that still i have to be thankful for glenda.

cake mania my new download game it's very entertaining it's like dinerdash but you have to design a cake for your customer *yiheeeee so nice* i have to grab the trial version.

i watched bunifa in a sneek peek in youtube she's very funny and sexy.
i think this entry is poppycock but i don't care.

goodbye

reminiscing my intern

my intern started when i was in 3rd year college we were 12 in our group. it was hard but i was able to passed it. we were assign in different hospital but were always in WCMC. our first duty was in OPD the task there was very limited and their were only few patients the only thing that we did there was getting the weight and height of the baby but it's okay i also learned so much about signs and symptoms of pregnacy. Our schedule was 8-3 pm and we had to be there 30 minutes before the call time. And im so afraid to be late because 3 consecutive lates is equivalent to 1 absent and we have to do a make up class if that happens. the worst thing is if we have a make up duty we have to pay for it and it cost 60 per hour 1 absent is 8 hours it is very expensive.

the most challenging was my duty in Operating room. i had to be a scrub nurse so my CI gave me 30 minutes to memorize all the equipments because i had to assist the surgeon in the operation and it was 4 hours operation it very palpitating. i was so afraid to commit mistakes because the surgeon might shout at me and i'l get mortified if that thing will happen.

BORing duty was in the ward because it was monotonous. the only thing we had to do there was to get the vs of the patient evey for hours and while waiting for another 4 hrs we had to do our Nursing care plan for our patient. Every ward duty was a ritual.

past time

yesterday i just stayed at home it was so boring i don't know how will i consume my time i had nothing to do. i surfed the net the whole afternoon but our internet connection was very slow it made me miffed. im so curious on how to change my blog skin but i cant stand understanding the procedure. i wish that i'll have more patience on doing that thing.

as day goes on i became more and more frustrated about myself. i hate that feeling i want to move on but i guess it will take longer time to be in acceptance stage. im so confuse on what will i do i want to enroll for a tutorial but i have that second thoughts that my money will just go into waste. im saving money right now because i left 1k in my pocket i have to budget that for a month (do i sound pathetic here or exagerating). how can i budget that? but it's okay i have to sacrifice my cravings about material things. i didn't expect this things will happen to me. i thought after finishing my school i would easily find a job and im totally wrong. i really had a hard time time find one perhaps it's not my time to earn money. but tommorrow i have a plans to apply for a call center but im so afraid to pursue it. i might failed again in the interview.

can't sleep

it's already 6:30 am but i haven't slept yet. i tried to go to my bed to sleep and i closed my eyes for an hour but my mind still working so annoying. my insomia is getting back it was started when the result of my exam came out. it's a good thing the result already released because it just adds my agony.

i want to change my blog skin but i can't i tried searching on the procedures but i can't stand reading it, i find it so knotty. I will just ask my sis to layout my blog. i want to have a beautiful blog even there's no one reading it as much as possible i don't want anybody will read my blog but it's impossible.

it's raining today and it's very nice to sleep when it's raining im sure im gonna wake up at 5 pm it the rains will continue.
sunday today and im gonna go to church later hopefully i will have someone who can go to church. but it's okay if im only the one who will go there i can stand it.

back to my nursing career
im such a frustrated nurse........
i hate to remember those questions in the NLE it was very hard they are very tricky even if i studied all the subjects they didn't came out except for test 5. for me it was easy but there are hearsays that they nullified it. i want to go to prc just to check my scores but i think there are lot of people who are paying for the oathtaking i'm feel so envy. maybe next week i'll go there and i will also file my papers to get exam on december.
for now i don't want to review again maybe on october. i remember the days that i had my review in pentagon it was so fun even if i failed. the lectures are very great they are all comedian. while listening to the lectures that i had it was like im on a comedy bar so hilarious hahahaha

i learned so much in pentagon it became my foundation in nursing because in our school i took nursing for four years and the only thing that i learned there is to get Vital sign of the patient. it was like i just enrolled there to get a trancript and cases and my mom's pay P500,000 for that.
my God that school that i went for nursing is a total nonsense. If you want to take uncomplicated nursing enroll here. it's located in QC the the major requirement in this school is MONEY so if you have heaps of money and you want to take nursing without having a sweat in your underarms this the best school for you. nursing in that school is all about money talk.........

BEWARE

random things that i want to share

whoa...... my friends is inviting me to go out tonight in timog but i'm so shy to see them because most of them are already RN and me i'm nothing. im happy for them but still there's a little bitterness inside my heart. I get envious with their title added on their name hopefully by december or january i already have that.

i talked to my friend yesterday and i said all the bitterness that i feel towards b***. he turned his back on me when i needed him i got so upset because that was the only time that i asked big help and he refused to give that. it was so unfair when he was the one asked for my help no second thoughts i helped him.

my sister told me that there will be a jobfair on monday in sportscenter but im not interested so i just ignored what she said because i know that i will fail in interviews. Before getting in in that biz i learned that if you will apply for a position and it is not related to your degree you have to prepare yourself very well and i'm doing that right now.

it's already 4 am and the phone rang and i answered it. i knew it was him and he was asking for another girls name and I said that he was calling a wrong number and i pretended that i dunno him and he quickly hang up the phone. I dunno if he intented to do that just to get me jealous ( im sorry im not affected im getting over you goodbye). for the 1st place it's not my lost.

i can say that im happy now even if im still in the process of moving on. im not puggled anymore in thinking about my tomorrow i just enjoy my life today. even if i'm still bored at home i know now how to deal with it without going out or anything. before if i feel my boredom will attack me i usually spend my day going out but now i can stay longer at home and it's been 5 days without going out so ecstatic. call me shallow or anything but im happy with that.

i think im getting stupid lately i can read properly and i'm having a hard time to get concentrated on what i'm doing. now i can't write properly i feel so shit about that. i'm getting afraid on what might happened to me if this things will continue. i hope it will be back to normal maybe i'm just tired and i don't have enought sleep (is this an excuse?) so things happen to me.

change topic: he didn't call me for 2 days and we don't see each other for 5 days. i miss him so much but i think it' s over. i try things getting over on it i have to move on. now it's okay to me if we don't see each other and talk maybe i have to learn to live without him. for 3 years that we've been together were inseperable except when we're fighting we gave space to each other. i tried things to work it out just to solve the issue that he was threw up to me. i thought he will change but as time goes on he became much worse and i hate that. he always does things that i'll get jealous i dunno what his reason why he was doing that to me. Is he want attention? duh he can't get my attention i rather stay away from him than giving that. he was so pathetic but im not mad at him. i already forgive him from what he did to me even he don't asy sorry. I knew he doesn't know the meaning of sorry.

regrets.......

i always slept late since i saw the fucking result. i waited for so long just to see it and when i already saw it i felt it ruin my plans. i'm still grieving it hurts so much after all the hard work that i've done it will just end up in going back in my ritual. I tried to study again earlier but when i'm reading my notes i easily get whacked so i stopped. I'm not yet ready to study those topic again. But when will i become ready? next day, month and so on and so forth. for sure il cram and it so stressful.

I'm getting envious for those who passed the exam. why others can made it? and why I can't?
it's just a matter of fortune and hardwork.

i regret why i took up nursing because i failed but i have to continue what i've started because if i don't pursue it would be wasted.

REASONS WHY I TOOK NURSING

• my father told me so i followed what he said before he died. at first im skeptic in taking up nursing but as learning process goes i learned to love it.
• It's in demand abroad but i have doubts working there life ain't easy living alone.
• high salary abroad but not here, you will easily earn money especially in U.S but spending my money alone will not give me euphoria. and if i work here im sure it's very toxic and yet undercompensated but i'm with my family. for me it's nice to be with my family than having a heaps of money alone.
• i love life science it tickles my interest

i'm here again

I spend my day facing the computer and my eyes are getting blurred.
If you could read my entry before it was all non-sensical maybe i'm careless in putting my thoughts on this it doesn't matter as long as i feel relieve in getting monotony.
I miss going to greenhills to shop something if i have extra money. But now i'm broke but it's okay maybe i have to prioritize more important things so i have to leave my shopping cravings.
My brain is getting tired. i want to to do something different i want to work to earn money but i'm so petrified with the initial interview i think in advance that i'm gonna failed. So pessimistic.

I have to face my fears I have to say to myself "don't let my fears thwart me".
i have to be strong and face all the struggles in life if i want to achieve triumph.
yeah i'm being madrama again......


an exasperating encounter
my friend called me yesterday it was 10 pm.

i knew she was the one who is calling so i said to her that i failed but this is her reply " no you passed i saw your name in the newspaper and it was C********, C**** and i thought it was just a typograpical error"

It was so annoying hello is she okay? or she's just a stupid or anything we've been friends for fours years and she doesn't know how's the spelling of my name. Maybe she was kidding that time but im not in the mood to play with jokes. if you could see the name the she was referring it was totally different to mine. It's like a she called me just to insult me.

now i considered her as a shit in my life even she is kind.

spend my day in blogging

I love blogging right now it's my new discovery of myself. Don't get me wrong i don't say im the one who discovered it and to think it was started way back and i dont' know the exact date when it was started but it's not important. I'm getting addict in blogging i'm enjoying it greatly. This is my first time to write about whats happening in my life except for my HS, grade school year that i wrote my autobiography and it sucks me when i'm doing that.

Before if i had nothing to do i just browse in the net to look for something that will give me enjoyment. I always visits my friendster account there's a blog of my friends and out of my curiousity I opened it and they are a great in writing except for those who just copy and paste the poems of others (copycat). but it was not the start of my blogging addiction until i browse erica paredes blog it was so inspirational and funny at the same time. but it just an idea of mine to start blogging but i didn't pursue it.

i felt so depressed until now but compare it before it lessens. I had nothing to talk about my feeling about my failure in life so i decided why not to put it on blog and here i'm getting blog
aficionada.

i hope i can continue it until i found success in my life

do i need to pop an anti-depressant because i'm so anxious about my plans.......
speaking of anti- depressants I have to refresh my knowlege in that meds. Basically, there are 3 kinds of anti depressant
1. SSRI ( selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) it is safest, less side effects and it will take 1 to 4 weeks before you feel the effect of this drug.

2. TCA ( tri-cyclic anti-depressant) the effect will takes 2 to 4 wks.

3. MAOI's ( Monoamine Oxidase Inhibitors) it will take 2 to 6 wks. if you take this dont eat thyramine rich foods such as aged cheese, avocado, beer, chocolate, fermented foods, pickles preserve foods, soy souce. because it will cause hypertensive crisis.

so which is better to take ?

no need to take that for those who are feeling depress just let your feelings come out and you'll feel relieve but If you have major depression better to consult your shrink right away because it may lead to schizoprenia or anything.

i discovered lately writing your feelings make you feel at ease. I feel so depress but when i put it into writings it lessen. I'm doing nothing lately so i feel so jaded, non-sense and pessimistic i can understand what i feel. i want to shriek what i feel but i can't and i want to cry for all the failures that i've done.

I miss going to school i regret those days that i didn't study harder so now my life has full of qualms. I have plans to go a tutorial to divert my attention with rubbish things maybe next week if i have my money back. it's not late if i want to try to study again and i promise to myself that i will put all my concentration on it.

jobhunting

lately i've been searching jobs in the net that will suits my capability . Im a nursing graduate but i can't practice it because i don't have my license yet. i have a plans to take board exam again in december and my review will starts on October. I hope i can pass this in second take.

So i have 2 months left before my review will takes place. I'm having a hard time to find a job because i don't have license to practice nursing. Maybe I would be a cashier, medrep, CSR, crew etc..... But it's okay if i'm gonna work in that job as long as i'm earning and it doesn't devastate my integrity (ooows do i have that).

I had tried so many times applying in a call center and yeah they rejected me. the initial interview was very frightening at first because i had to speak in english and fortunately i did it with babbling and after that interview the interviewer said to me " let's give us ample time to evaluate your resume and we will give you a call after 2 days or if you do not receive a call you can reapply after 90 days or we will consider your resume for future job openings"
It means i didn't passed in the interview...... I hate that, they are being devious why don't go straight forward. I can accept it more than giving me a problem if i passed or failed.

Now I'm staying at home for 2 days and it sucks me. i'm so jaded so to free myself from boredom I keep myself busy in writing in this blog and it's very helpful. I'm dreaming of to become a writer but I have to practice more because i think i if i become writer now and I will assign me to jot down my thoughts for a magazine im sure if you read my entry you'll get irk to me. so don't pursue it to be one harharhar......

do you think my words are correctly connected to each other? correct me if i'm wrong...

emotional distress

i've been so weary this past few days it's like God spread depression in the world and I catched all of it. But this blog help me to solace myself from it. it's very hard to hide my feelings from my dissapointment but that's life i have to move on. I have to face my future with more courage and i'm sure there will be a time that I'll face bigger problems than this and God prepares me from that. life isn't perfect.

I want to laze myself but i can't all the worries inside my head bothers me a lot. I dont' know when will and how to start a brand new life. I have to leave my fears behind so it wouldn't distruct me from everything that i will do. I questioned myself is the world fair to everyone? why this things happpened to me? Am i a losser?

But all this question that i asked from myself I'm the only one who can answer it. But I have to see the brighter side of my life instead the darkside. I'm still very lucky despite of the failures I've been through. I guess it is just a trials of my life. I have to be strong our life is enivetable so be ready what will happen next.

It's very painful for me to see those people who expected a lot from me and I gave them so much dissapointment. And the one person I need today is turning his back on me. So now i consider this blog as my best friend ever. thank you for the technology you made my life easier as well as for others.

I have to tied-up myself from studying again I'm so tired and sick of it but i have to and i guess im not the only one who will do this kind of ritual in life were so many.................................

i should never give up on what i've started even if i failed i think i have be more dedicated.
there's nothing wrong on trying things over and over again it's just a matter of faith in god.

This failure that ive been going through makes me furious but It's a part of healing process. It will take time........